why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
