New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
