I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
