My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Randomize
