Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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