I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
