she woke up with a sticky ear
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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