My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
