I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
