You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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