Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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