is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
her facebook's as public as her vagina
areolas are like halos for boobs.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize