Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I can text with my tongue
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
