I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
