All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
