Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
well you can't waste a boner
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
BRING THE BAGELS
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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