And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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