my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
