the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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