meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
