so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
