3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize