I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
