I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
