I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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