I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
