sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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