i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
