Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
