i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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