Are we in a gay sports bar?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
