I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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