come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
