When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
