Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
