You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
