Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
