i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
