Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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