you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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