a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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