I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I can text with my tongue
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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