just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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