I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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