if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
