i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
