dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
sex in a hospital.. check
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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