What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
