I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
