i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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