At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
