There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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