i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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