Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
