The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
