so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
