One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
